Ladies, let’s take some time to talk about this phenomenon…about this mentality. Yes, it’s about the ugly truth of playing the victim.
On Playing Victim
I get it, your heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. You are angry at everyone who is breathing – let alone those who point fingers at you – and you are furious with life. I totally understand that. I know the feeling all too well like a step-sister I wish I could bitch slap at times.
I have been in your shoes.
Angry, bitter, and feeling wronged on oh, so many levels.
I was there too several years back. It is totally normal to feel anger and resentment toward something as devastating as divorce. What’s not healthy is holding on to that anger for far too long.
I felt anger simmer beneath my skin and would unleash those anger at anyone who crossed my path and dare to tell me to snap out of it. I felt like I could shout “F**k you, world! You f**ked up my life!” I have been there when my marriage ended nearly 7 years ago.
Bruised ego, broken dreams, anger all wrapped into this one giant ugly monster who consumed my life daily. I would constantly berate my ex to those who are willing to hear me vent. I would hide those anger and feelings of being a victim like it was some wicked conspiracy theory that someone out there was determined to ruin my life. Yet, it was there, boiling silently and often would explode when the pressure gets too much. Not a pretty sight.
Breaking That “I am a Victim” Cycle
First off, the willingness to step out and look beyond our own pain takes courage! It is HARD!
It took all I got left in me to drag myself far away from the epicenter of all those unhealthy feelings when I realized how exhausting it really is to carry them around with me. When I realized “Damn woman, you got your own shares in the failing of your marriage! A marriage is between two people and you both f**ked it up!”
When I realized the anger and bitterness start to affect my son, my health, my relationships post-divorce, and pretty much consumed my life, I knew something must be changed. I MUST deal with those tidal waves of anger and no longer kicked them under the bed like some dust balls. Because you know what? Those damn dust balls turned into one giant pile of dirt that cost me my health!
It took a journey deep into the core of my being to finally realized, hey I am NOT a victim! What happened was caused by poor choices he and I made, by my unconscious participation in creating something that was not healthy from the beginning. It wasn’t 100% his fault the marriage ended. I was a participant – willing or not – admitting my own mistakes and most importantly to FORGIVE myself was a massive milestone.
“If I know better, I’d do better,” Maya Angelou says it best, ladies!
Having to face my own demons, facing my own truth was difficult. It was the hardest part of my healing journey. Forgiving myself and conquering my own ego was key. Before the whole inner work took place, I thought I had forgiven him yet I still harbor seeds of anger and bitterness towards him. It wasn’t until I LET GO of the sad entitlement of “You wronged me! You f**king hurt me!” that I began to fully realize I will not fully move on with my life if I keep using those like a trump card.
By playing victim I avoided the crucial need to deal with whatever it is that life wants for me to learn even though the unbelievable pain of divorce. I stalled my own growth by sitting there feeling oh, so sorry for myself. By holding those grudges, my soul died a little each time I vented out to the world. Holding on to those feelings was toxic.
Now, whenever I started feeling sorry for myself and the challenges of life, I would think of those single mothers who have zero help from their ex-husband. I would remember the struggles of single mothers who have children with special needs or illnesses. In doing so I allowed gratitude to flow from my heart because my ex and I are now in a great place, we both have come a long way from those early days. We are friends now. My son is healthy and happy. I have a partner that truly loves me and supports me. There’s just plenty of things to be grateful for instead of focusing on the negative.
So darlings, please…STOP playing the victim! Stop entertaining your pain and sadness. It will take you nowhere.