And So I Face The Final Curtain

“At the beginning I never saw the end. At the start I saw forever.”  – According To Jewels

When I pushed you away because I didn’t know I had a postpartum depression and lashed it all out on you – was that the end?

When I left you in anger because you decided to move to the other side of the world without properly having your family, your wife and sons sponsored by the company – was that the end? 

When I came to find you have changed a whole lot. To see that wall you had built standing tall, impenetrable with me banging hard from the outside but your once bright green eyed glanced coldly – was that the end?

When red flags scattered all over what suppose to be our home in a faraway land screaming to my face but you brutally shoot down and twisted around so I thought it was all in my head – was that the end?

When you decided to stay for a couple of months instead of coming to your family, your wife and son claiming you were job hunting, when in my guts I KNEW something was very wrong with that – was that the end?

When you secretly checked your heavily guarded mobile phone or sneaked away to maybe make a quick phone call when I put OUR son to bed at nights – was that the end?

When you left for weeks on business trips and I found yet more shreds of evidence screaming out loud but again you turned the table and made me questioned myself. Made me decided to swallow it all up, made me tried even harder to win you back from whatever forces out there sabotaging you. When I tried to forgive but it’s not enough to make it all okay – was that the end?

When we pretend to be one hell of a happy family with fake smiles plastered to our faces while we both know we have become strangers to one another. When we are playing house in the ruin of us.  When the easy silence between us was no longer easy, it was just a coping mechanism from your checked out self and I got deeper into bitterness from being invisible in your eyes. When kisses were nothing more than dutiful gestures. When I plunge myself to paint a rosy life on this blog because in written we were a happy family – was that the end?

When I saw those faces of happy smiles…but it didn’t bear my face. When I read those lines that were MINE for years being directed to someone else. When I finally had enough guts to walk out just two days after my birthday – was that the end?

When we sat by the marriage counselor office, me sobbing like crazy and you calmly denies every single thing. When you nodded in agreement to the suggestions the counselor gave but never follow through – was that the end?

When she was witnessed in the place that was OURS just days after I moved out while I rocked myself in the corner of my hell feeling the world as I know it had come crashing down on me. When clearly you are still going strong – was that the end?

When you bluntly refused to let me come home saying you’re not ready while I wanted to slap you hard as you were not in positions to call the shots and I was damn tired of your mind games. When I finally decided to pick up the rest of my stuff which by the way you had neatly packed in boxes – was that the end?

When I tried to return the engagement ring and you refused then grabbed my hand to pull me into your arms while saying “Let me fix this…” For a nanoseconds, I saw YOU, the man I thought I will have no end with. My bruised brokenhearted self wanted to believe you but I just can’t anymore. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back…- was that the end?

When I finally accepted that I cannot change you but I can change the way I respond to you and your words. When I cried myself to sleep for weeks, when pain turned into numbness when I know I had to give up the fight of that losing battle. I know for sure that the end was narrowing down on me, on us.

We never said our goodbyes but the end is there all along even when I had tried and tried to blind myself. I finally set you free…and accepted that our story has come to its closure and I learned to accept that the END doesn’t mean my whole world has to end as well.

061 - Mar 2 - Letting Go

This post has been inspired by the Studio 30 Plus writing prompt – THE END.


PS: I submitted this blog post to Just Be Enough link up this week. Head over there to read really inspiring and uplifting posts. Thanks, Elena from Ciao Mom who created this amazing place for everyone!  My marriage ended almost 2 years ago and blogging through it has definitely helped a lot. 

Author: Maureen

Maureen is a Community Builder and Leader. Founder of founder of Single Moms Indonesia Writing, photography, traveling and all creative things are some of her favorite things to do. On a quest of finding joy in everyday life and living life to the fullest with kindness, compassion, grace and a bit of sass.

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  • Great post, you are right, it is not the end for you. It is a new beginning. As for the postpartum depression, a family member had it, too, but no one really understood it back then. Her in laws thought she was just making things up to get attention. Thankfully a doctor diagnosed it and helped her. You are strong!

    • Thank you so much Maria…I now see it as a second chance has been given to me.
      Postpartum depression is ugly and I didn’t even know what it was until the marriage counselor pointed it all out to me. When my doc asked I faked a smile and said “I’m okay” when I was so miserable inside. Never even heard of PPD way back then. I’m so glad to hear your family got the help she needs.

  • *Peluuuuuuukkkkk* oh darl, butuh keberanian tersendiri utk nulis post ini, gw liat tulisan ini semacam ngaca,watta journey darl.. At the end, we just need to let go yaaa..

    • Makasih darl! It’s one of the hardest post I had ever written because it felt like I had to go through the emotions again and it’s almost been 2 years ago. Yes, we just need to let go and keep on moving.

  • Such a beautiful post … brought tears to my eyes !! You are a STRONG beautiful woman who will get through this and be a stronger more beautiful person. Thanks for sharing from your heart !! Am sure this post will be of help to so many people and am waiting to share this in my stream ( scheduled tomorrow) I think.. 🙂 HUGZ !! Hang in there !!

    • Awww thank you Sunithi. There are moments when I feel like I’m not strong enough and just have to look beside me to know there’s a little person that still needs me to be strong no matter our circumstances are. Thank you so much for your support!

  • I am so happy that you used my quote from my very own Studio 30 Plus prompt for “the end”. What a great prompt to produce such amazing works. This was beautiful in it’s rawness. Thanks for sharing something so personal. I cannot imagine being in your shoes since I have never been married and am not a mother but that was heart wrenching. Brave writing!

    • Jewels, your words was so powerful on your post and it inspired me to write about my own Ending. Thank you for that. It happened nearly 2 years ago but writing this has made me realized that I still have a lot of works to do from within and pushing this post out to the world helps me a lot. Thank you so much!

    • Gigi, thank you so much my friend, you have been nothing but supportive these whole time. I had to google my way to find how to submit it to BlogHer since I never do it before. You rock, girl and I heart you big time! 🙂

  • That was an amazing, beautiful, sad, and heart-felt post. I recognized so much of it from my own story: not all the details exactly, but the kind of lonely, sad, frightened and often crazy journey you’ve been on. Something else I recognize is the desire to move on now and the need to let go, but although you’re moving on you haven’t completely disentangled yourself from it all yet. I hope writing this will help you untie a few of those last knots. Thank you so much for sharing this, and good luck with everything. Salam hangat…

    • Thank you John. There are days where I feel I had moving on and I am INDEED in a much better place today than nearly 2 years ago when it all began but as I poured my heart out on this post – which by the way almost too scary to post – I relived the pain. I know I still have issues to sort out from deep within me and yes, writing about it being open about it helps a whole lot. Best of luck to you too!

  • I think my story must be a lot like yours. this sound and feels so familiar with the questioning your own sanity, calm denial at the counselor and followed by knowing there must be closure. Im glad you linked up today.

    • Frelle, thank you so much. Throughout these whole experience I noticed one pattern, the pain, the questioning our own sanity are a lot similar to those who has been cheated on. I think that’s why it took longer for us who got cheated on to move on because there’s so much baggage left inside. Thank you for sharing your own moments. They will not ruin our souls even if they ripped our heart apart.

  • I am so very sorry you had to go through all of that heartache and hurt to get to this point, to realize that the end of something isn’t the end of everything. I thought this was so telling, and it shows how you are going to be 100 times better off, because you have found so much strength in yourself:

    When I finally accepted that I cannot change you but I can change the way I respond to you and your words.

  • Maureen, you are one hell of a strong woman. I am sorry for your pain, but you are resilient and the future for you is bright with possibility.

    Fabulous post. Thank you for linking it up to Just Be Enough. It is an honor to have you there.

    • Thank you Alison. It has been a therapeutic ways to be able to share what I had to go through and knowing others who has been in my shoes can relate. Thank you again.

  • This is beautifully written. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all of this, especially while having to be the strong face for your son. I saw your note that was two years ago, so I hope the time has brought you to a good place now. (And I hope BlogHer does syndicate this!!) Thank you for linking this up with Just.Be.Enough – glad to have found your blog.

    • I think without my son I wouldn’t have enough strength to come this far. Maybe selfish to say but he in all his little wonder has saved me. Yes I am in a much much better place today than I was 2 years ago but the healing continues to this day. Thank you for your kind words. Glad to have met you through Just Be Enough too 🙂

  • I am so sad and proud of you at the same time.

    You are so strong and brave: you work hard to communicate in what is NOT your first language, and you keep trying, and don’t let anything stop you.

    You are a ferociously strong woman.

    I admire you.

    And that closing line…how it is the END but NOT the end of everything.

    So much strength in there, do you hear it????

    • Dearest Alexandra, you are such an angel did you know that? I remember you were one of the most amazing person that told me it’s OK to take a break from blogging last year when I came to my ‘closure’ and you welcome me back with such a warm embrace.
      I can’t thank you enough for your kindness and support.

  • I had to come back to tell you how I can tell how how hard you are working and fighting for your spirit.

    You linking up and participating in JustBeEnough is going to be wonderful for us there, and for you: a win win: we both think we’re getting the better end of the deal.

    i love you, mo.

    • And I can’t thank Elena enough for reaching out to me and I know I’m with some of the most amazing ladies there at Just Be Enough.

      Love you too, Empress Alexandra 🙂

  • I’m so sorry. I can feel your pain – truly. In situations like these, when life feels like it’s gone so far off track from what you once envisioned, I try to remember one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies, The Sound of Music:

    “When God closes a door, somehow He opens a window.”

    You clearly have a strong spirit. So, while this may be an end for you, it is not the end of you.

  • This story is all too familiar – reading your story (and others) helps me to understand how common this all is.

    Thank you for sharing.