I’m Still Alive

As some of you already know, I’ve been taking a break from blogging for nearly a month now and I can’t thank you guys enough for all your wonderfully sweet and supportive response both through my last post, Twitter and emails.

My life as the way I know it has changed drastically in the past few weeks. No, the changes don’t come as surprise…it all started over 6 months ago actually but this time I am done with pretending that things are alright.

Lil’ A’s life and mine have been altered…

I tried so hard to fight it, to resist the changes but that epiphany came in the past few weeks. Sometimes you can’t resist changes and it is better to embrace and accept that it had happened when fighting over it clearly had become a losing battle.

Today, I can finally admit that I had been living a dual life and it is getting harder and harder to pretend so I’m going to stop. Before, I was afraid to become the talk of the ‘town’ as Indonesian loves to gossips but not anymore. Screw the gossipers…

As I had come to accept this as part of my life that I could never erase, the journey is still long with complicated process ahead of me, ahead of us.

I have been separated from Lil’ A’s father for over 6 months and my marriage is over.

There, I said it…

The realization came last week as I lay down in a clinic about to get some injections on my severe acne (thanks to those nasty skin supplement pills I took). The doctor and I were discussing pills that can help fighting this acne from inside. She explained that it’s a strong pill, women are not supposed to get pregnant within a least a year after they took them because it can harm the baby.

Are you married?” she asked as she prep my face for the injections

No. I’m divorced.”

My own answer shocked me as I had never uttered those words ever before and surprisingly…it doesn’t hurt to say it out loud.

Yes, my marriage had come to an end. The divorce proceeding are still being taken care of so officially he is still my husband but I have been living a single mom’s life for half a year now (more if you counts them carefully).

Deep inside…I had finally set him free. As painful as it is…

I had embraced it, I had accepted it…the pain has been my best friends for over 6 months now and I’m starting to see the truth in the old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

For now, I can only pick up the pieces and move on. There’s a little boy who depends on me to stay strong even when there are still days where I don’t even want to get out of bed and face the hard cruel reality. Still, I have no other choice. There are days when I feel like I’m in an autopilot mode but there are days where the pain doesn’t feel so obvious anymore.

Things would only get better…and I’m going to fight for a better life for myself and for Lil’ A.

So yes, I’m still alive and kickin’…

Author: Maureen

Maureen is a Community Builder and Leader. Founder of founder of Single Moms Indonesia Writing, photography, traveling and all creative things are some of her favorite things to do. On a quest of finding joy in everyday life and living life to the fullest with kindness, compassion, grace and a bit of sass.

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